Waiting

Tomorrow, or rather in just a couple hours, I am 39 weeks pregnant.

When I found out this baby's due date was in April, I was so relieved that I would not have the time pressure of getting a passport, visa, ect, in just 3 1/2 weeks before getting on a plane to America as we had to with Lizbeth. Don't hate me, but I am blessed with not being terribly uncomfortable even in third trimester (in fact this pregnancy it was my second trimester that was actually really uncomfortable). Last pregnancy I really felt as though I cheated myself of the last few weeks of pregnancy by being so stressed about the time.

So why do I still feel so impatient about meeting this baby?

When I started having regular contractions at 22 weeks and was put on semi-bedrest, there was such a fear of going into early labor. When I finally hit the more "safe" zone after 32+ weeks it was a relief that even if the baby came early, everything would probably be okay. 35 weeks, the point at which I felt if the baby came we wouldn't need to travel to Beijing in an emergency, came and went. 37 weeks, full term, came and passed. For some reason I really felt he would arrive that week, and was even freaking out a few weeks before that there was no way I would have enough time to prepare for him by then. And as time ticks by, the waiting gets harder and harder.

Why is it so hard to wait? Sometimes I feel I have legitimate reasons. If the baby comes in the next couple days, Nathan will have most of Spring Break, in addition to his paternity leave, to spend with the baby. I will also need to take less maternity leave. The later this baby comes, the less time my mom has with him before she has to head back to the States.

On the other hand, I know how much I really should accomplish before he comes. There's the taxes to finish, the house to start refinancing, lesson plans for maternity leave to write, plane tickets for this summer to purchase, ect.

And of course, I don't want to wish away these last few days with just Lizbeth. I am so terrified of how this transition will affect my sweet little girl, and I truly dread being away from her for the time I have to stay at the hospital (traditionally four days in China). Today I laid down with her for her nap and just held her in my arms, enjoying the feel and smell of her as she slept. I don't know if I'll be able to do that after this little boy comes.

So in reality, I know I should just be content with today. But every day I wake up and nothing has changed, I am disappointed. I want to hold my baby boy, smell his new infant scent, trace the lines of his face, and kiss his toes.

Then I remember that 39 weeks is still early. Not unsafe early, but on average earlier than most babies make their appearances. So why am I so impatient?

I am praying for the patience to enjoy every moment, and the ability to feel content in this time of anticipation.