Yesterday I cried. And not even for a good reason.

My mission was simple. Three days before Christmas and I needed to find wrapping paper. Due to past experiences I know that it is hard to find, and not even the same as American paper. In America, you buy it in rolls. In China, when you can find it, it is in 2'x2' square sheets. And Christmas wrapping paper is nearly nonexistant.

I found some in a market a few weeks ago, but the market is a $7 round trip taxi ride away, they are still thirty cents a sheet, and they only had three designs. I should have bought more when I was there, but the sheets were rolled up and I didn't realize they were individual package sized.

So we were in the Japanese shopping center today, and they surprisingly had a huge kiosk with Christmas decorations and presents, and they were even gift wrapping what you bought with wrapping paper. I thought, maybe they sell Christmas wrapping paper! I asked, and they said no, but to check a store on the second level of the shopping center.

So up I went. I found a store with beautiful decorations, and the most beautiful wrapped boxes underneath their Christmas Tree. I thought, surely they have wrapping paper, and cheerfully went in to ask. They said no. So I asked her where I could buy some. She said I couldn't. So I asked, where did they buy theirs? She said the company makes it themselves. Grr... Completely unhelpful and seemed irritated at my questions to boot.

So out I went, on to the next store. The shopping center has a large department-like store, so I thought I could check the stationary and gift bag section. Looked around, didn't see any. Looked for someone to help me. No one around, so I went to another section. They told me the stationary section had some. I went back, looked again, found an attendant, she said yes, they have some (by this time I would be happy to have any wrapping paper, even if not Christmas), but another attendant came up and said no, in fact they don't. Grr again.

This is the point I cried. Nathan met up with me from his shopping and asked what was wrong. He suggested that I just ask the original place if they could give me some of their wrapping paper they use to wrap what people buy. I thought this was unlikely (Chinese are very unlikely to go outside of what they are expected to do), but worth a shot. Down we headed. There was a line, and obviously these gift wrappers had never wrapped presents before (I guess Chinese always give gifts in bags?) Two people in front of us, and after five minutes of waiting I decided to finish my grocery shopping while Nathan asked.

Sure enough, 15 minutes later he shows up proudly with five and a half sheets of "Jusco Wishes You A Merry Christmas" wrapping paper. Apparently the cute baby he was holding helped. And because they lady couldn't sell us the paper, she just gave it to him.

Now one might ask why I cried over such a little thing as wrapping paper. I don't know, but weirdly I feel as though it is delayed culture shock. As Nathan pointed out, last year we were in America and they year before we had just arrived and had too many other things to worry about than having an American Christmas. On top of the failed Live Christmas Tree project, and the desperate shopping for a baby Christmas dress, I guess I'm missing home more than I thought. I miss our families, the excitement built up over weeks of anticipation, the smells of pine, the individualized ornaments, decorative candles, real wreaths, and so many other things. I didn't realize how much I love Christmas, and how deeply ingrained my ideas of what Christmas "should" be are.

Christmas here is different. The first year we were here, even simple decorations were hard to find. Since it is not traditionally a Chinese holiday, few celebrated it or even knew what it was. Every year they have more things to sell, but everything is generic and chintzy. Fake trees often have oodles of fake snow spray painted on them, or pink flashing pine needles. The only options for ornaments are balls, and they come in silver, gold, red, and blue. Without the rich cultural background that is ingrained in nearly every American, Christmas is nothing more than another holiday to sell and buy "stuff".

On the one hand, it is a good thing. It's a good discussion topic, and Chinese love to ask you how you celebrate it. They equate it with their Lunar New Year, when they all travel across the country to their hometowns, sit around together, play games, and eat nuts.

But on the other, it lacks meaning and depth. I'm realizing how hollow Christmas is without what makes it so important to us.